Well, I’ve been trying to figure out how to make this whole process more erotic. Eroticism is really the only reason the Internet exists. Okay, eroticism; buying shit from Amazon so you don’t actually have to leave your house to get a wedding present for someone you hate; and stealing music.

But porn drives the whole thing.

To try and make this more interesting, I have been trying to masturbate while I write these things so I can describe the sensation to our reader(s). (Usually, “pretty good.”)

In an apparent attempt to foil this process, Stephanie has posted, over to your left, a photograph of Ari Hoptman. Now, Ari is one of the funniest people I have ever met, but as Stephanie is surely aware, he is far from my romantic ideal. Or, as Liz Jubera, a girl I had a crush on once put it, “Ew.”

To summarize:

1. Stephanie — Against artistic experimentation.

2. Ari Hoptman — Funny, sexually unappealing.

3. Me — Not masturbating.